Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
