He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
