meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
