Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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