Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
