she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
