I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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