masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
