I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
