I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
