I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
