he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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