First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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