Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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