i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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