Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
