I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
