I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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