my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
