After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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