he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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