I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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