omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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