Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
