Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
