The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
