Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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