Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
