The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
