trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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