For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
