if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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