Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
