I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
