i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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