Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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