i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
