I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
