I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
