the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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