I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
