I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
a search helicopter?!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
