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That's how twitter works, right?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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