I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
