Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
