At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
