Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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