hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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