somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
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He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
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I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize