if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
