I cannot find my penis.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
