4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
