I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
