I think I am morally bankrupt
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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