party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
