yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
