Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
