just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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