My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
